A growing collection of Irish jokes
that reflect the nature and humor of the
Irish.
This is not a
politically correct page so if you think you will be offended I suggest you
not view it. I am Irish and much to my wife's dismay I rattle off these and
many other Irish Jokes every year around Saint Patrick's Day. I'm afraid at
times that her eyes will roll right out of her head!
Irish
toast:
May you be
in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are
dead.
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased
the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only
one who saw any snakes!
His wife had been killed in an
accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything
before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for
about forty years," said the Finnegan.
Billy and Pa' were walking in
the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of
them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the
job".
Two drunks
coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've
stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of
103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named
'Miles from Dublin'!"
Paddy and Murphy
were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, Murphy, can you see that
beautiful wood over there Murphy, I can't see, theirs trees in the
way!
Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never
rule the world.
As soon as she
had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of
Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she
became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned
to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the
church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father
Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained
that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She
said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she
went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and
backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one
said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is
givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers
on!"
McQuillan
walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the
olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all
the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all
about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman,
"my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Padraic
Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never
too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures
to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a
tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty,
sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "And Who ARE you?". Too
that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' darned old fool". To which
Flaherty remarked, "Glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer
sister."
Brenda
O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her
door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye." "Of
course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery...""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me...""Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking
chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She
wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guineas Stout and
drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?""Well, no Brenda......no.""No?""Fact is, he got out three times to
pee."
Pat and
Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm
taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are
you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"
"T''was
the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots
as a joke. And you Scots have'nt gotten the joke
yet!!"
What
have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
They both lived with
their mother until they were 33 and neither had a
job.
An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3
Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can
anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks
over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a
faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes
back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme
try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St.
Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so
now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When
the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he
walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was
an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends
were sayin."
Q.
What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to
tell a man to go to hell.
So
that he will look forward to making the trip
There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven
and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
and
Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day,died
on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St.
Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to
drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button
here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it,Pat. Have a good time
in heaven."
Pat jumps on his little green cloud,punches the button, and
heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He's having a
wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the
third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast
when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with
tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is
playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle
of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.
He says, "St. Peter, my name is
Pat,I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on
St.Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to
heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little
harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'But, there's a
Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a
huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman,
want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and
motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says:
"Pat, shush! He's
the Boss's Son!"
Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a
headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in
one grave."
Mrs. Pete Monaghan
came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the
kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't
it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and
bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the
obituary,
"Pete died."
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved
more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan
thanked him and rewrote the obituary:
"Pete died. Boat for
sale"
Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the
words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey
says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always
supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O'
Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a
great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his
community a better place."
Murphy says,
"That's very nice, O'Brien. But
I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Q. What's
the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A. One less
Drunk
Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat "We have been friends for
years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get
the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave." Pat
replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend. But would you mind
if I filtered it through my kidneys
first?"
Kathleen
Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand,
her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused
him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to
sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his
tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace,
Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick,
don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I
poisoned you?"
Gallagher
opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary
column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you
see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.
"Where are you callin' from?"
Murphy was
77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a
holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to
enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new
suits and a brand new car. One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit,
new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards
Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident. On arrival
in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my
life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy
myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"
St. Peter ducked his head in
embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize
you."
An
Irishman's last wish was to be buried at sea, which was most unfortunate for
his three friends who died digging the grave.
Pat and Mike
were lifelong friends and unfortunately Pat passed away unexpectedly. Mike was
so devastated by the passing of his friend that he too died. Due to the fact
that they were so close, their widows decided to bury them in a single
ceremony. When their widows were making arrangements for their burials, Pat's
wife instructed the funeral director to dress Pat in his
brown suit and Mike's wife
instructed him to dress Mike in his blue suit. Just minutes prior to beginning
of the wake the wives wanted to make sure the director had followed their
orders, and much to their dismay, they discovered that Pat was in a blue suit
and Mike was in a brown suit. They expressed their displeasure to the director
and demanded the situation be corrected immediately. The director told them
that he would take care of it but needed five minutes. In less than the
prescribed time, the director called the widows back into the room and showed
them Pat in his brown suit and Mike in his blue suit. The widows were
surprised at the fact that the director could manage this feat in such a short
period of time and were thanking him for his help. The director said "It
really wasn't much of a problem, I just switched their
heads"
It's always
puzzled me," said the Irishman looking up from his newspaper,"how every time
the Lord gets it right. People always seem to be dying in alphabetical order."
Beneath this stone
lies Murphy
They buried him today
He lived the life of Reilly
While
Reilly was away
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if
he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then
asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The
first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another
round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man
then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I
can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have
another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again
strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's,"
replies the second man. "I graduated in '81." "This is unbelievable!" the
first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '81, too!" About
that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's new?"
he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley
twins are drunk again."
She followed her husband
to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his
pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you
always said I was out enjoying meself."
An Irish man walks into a
pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three
pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the
third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know
you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye
on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't
understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We
made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together.
So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking
together. The bartender thought
that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one
week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know
what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of
your brothers died." The man said,
"Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
Mahoneys wife has to go
out of town for the day on a business trip. The last thing she says to her
husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. As soon as the wife is
gone he heads down to Clancys pub.
After spending most of the day there he
decides he'd better get back on home. He gets up from the bar takes a few
steps and falls flat on his face. Gets up, takes a few more steps and again,
falls flat on his face. All the way home for three blocks its up down up down
until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows
up. She walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. She answers it and
hangs up after a short conversations. she looks at Mahony and says,
"So
you went to Clancys pub after all did ya.?"
"Well yes dear,"said mahoney,
"but how did you know? "
"That was the barman on the phone calling to say
you left your wheel chair there!"
Paddy was an inveterate
drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about
drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get
smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened
the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife,
"Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill
that blasted cat?"
Newly arrived in Boston
from the old country, Paddy O'Shea called his brother back home. "Sean, it's
amazin, these American cities. On most every street, they got glass outhouses,
and it's TELEPHONES they put in 'em!"
Patrick and
Murphy out fishing and the motor packed in on the boat, Patrick says to Murphy
what are we going to do now? Murphy say we'll just have to wait for help.
After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle,
Patrick opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick
as a flash Patrick says turn the sea into Guinness and of course the sea is
black with Guinness - Murphy says you stupid fool we'll have to pee in the
boat.
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